The Big D and Mae Day

My absence from writing has nothing to do with my desire not to write, but more to do with finding myself going through the big D- difficulty. Several things culminated over the weeks of summer and congealed in my mind around this very time. Today, I found myself overwrought with several emotions: homesickness, unsureness, and sickness (literally with the recurring sinus infection that shows up at my door with its bags packed to stay a while every month). It's one of those days that feels like a virtual hurricane churning inside the heart. As with any hurricane, the waters begin churning slowly, almost unbeknown to the effected. However, as time passes and more territory is crossed, the storm grows larger and stronger until eventually landfall is inevitable. Today marked landfall of this hurricane of the heart. I am slowly seeing things about myself in a different light. When we lived in San Angelo, I thought to myself at times, I wonder if this is where we will live for the rest of our lives? At the time, I was not certain if that were a good or bad thing. How I would have relished in the little nuances just a little more whole-heartedly, knowing now what I didn't know (or rather realize) then. In this life, nothing can replace family and friends. I longed for the comfort of family today. We were blessed with a wonderful weekend spent with friends, and as with every time someone puts the final bag in the car, bids a final farewell, and rides off into the caliche filmed sunset, I long for them to stay. I took for granted seeing my nieces and nephews being a short hop away, and having the opportunity to be involved in their every activity. I took for granted my in-laws being a few minutes across town and enjoying dinners and visiting at their house. I took for granted the beautiful runs at the KOA, and the friends we hold dear there. Reflecting back, can we afford to take the things we hold so precious for granted? I can't. I have a greater respect for the Lord through this revelation of the heart, and a greater respect for geography. Sometimes, I believe two people could be in the same room and be hundreds of miles apart. That said, I also believe that two people could be hundreds of miles apart, but in the same room in your heart.

Another contributing factor, tomorrow is Mae Day. On July 12, 1912, an amazing woman graced this world: Addie Mae Grossman, my grandmother. We celebrate this day each year by doing a few of her favorite things. I will start the day with a steaming cup of coffee. Then, get the Zebco ready with her tackle bag in hand, and head out in search of a big catch. It wouldn't be right not to end the day with a Sonic hamburger and shake. I vividly remember fishing at their place near San Saba, and spending vacations at Big Bend in the travel trailer. Nothing can replace those sweet, fond memories. I wonder if she knew as a girl what amazing things she would be known for in her lifetime? Did she know that she would leave such a legacy that will live on through her children and grandchildren? God could only have known what a difference she would make in my life. Many of my strengths may be attributed to her. She had unwavering strength and faith in God. As I sit writing this, I wish to be able to pick up the phone to hear her voice, the calm reassurance, the gentle touch of her kind hands. She would rub our chigger bites when we were little until we fell asleep. She would rub our hands while we prayed as we grew older. The impact she had on my life is undeniable. I am thankful to her for the amazing woman, grandmother, and follower of God that she was. Along the lines of taking things for granted, can we afford to say 'I'll call that person tomorrow?'. Procrastination simply must not be a word in our vocabulary when it comes to expressions, friendships, family, loved ones, and the important factors in life that really count. Tomorrow, I will celebrate the beautiful life of my grandmother, and hopefully reel in a big one in her honor.

In the end, this hurricane of the heart made landfall, and the residual effects are still being felt. There are occasional showers, some worse than others. But tonight, during the worst of the storm, I sat with Wade, explaining the best I could the cause of this conundrum. We had just watched an old Marilyn Monroe movie, 'How to Marry a Millionaire'. In this movie, she is blind as a bat, but refuses to wear her glasses on account of she thinks the men won't like her with them, and refers to her glasses as cheaters. In the middle of my mess, Wade said to me, "You sure look cute with your cheaters on," and sang a line from 'You Are so Beautiful to me' in an attempt to cheer me up. That's all I needed. Sometimes, I feel like life is like a test of the emergency broadcast system. God will reveal himself after testing, with the answers and a perfectly mapped out list of what to do. He will lead and I will follow. I should stamp that on my hand for times like these. It's a comfort to know I have the gentle support from the man I love to see me through my hurricanes. I know there will be others, in fact, isn't it hurricane season? However, I know I will never have to evacuate. I've got all the love I need, the hand of the Lord to slowly reveal His plan to me, and the angels of the ones I love so dear watching over me from above.